OK, I give Benjer his due. It isn’t always healthy to suggest what I did with bring a friend. That has worked with a couple of situations in the past where I had one teen who wanted to be a part of a group that she was separated by age, school, and affinity. That was an interesting situation at church. Let me explain some details.

The second church I served, I realized some real unhealth in the group. Examples: the pastor’s daughter and another girl in the group got into a slap fight at a missions trip three years before and had split the group into two distinct factions. Add to that a very charismatic, intelligent 9th grade boy who made his Sunday school teacher cry every week. I kid you not, the second dribble of wisdom from this guy was his three secrets to life that all start with S: stereotypes, snap-judgments and sarcasm. He used them like a machete. Saying there were cliques was a huge understatement.

The first retreat we did, I decided to address it. There just happened to be a policeman in the congregation who was somewhat dramatic. So we arrested every teen signed up for the retreat for “gang activity”. I then presided as judge and sentenced them accordingly. They were to spend a weekend at a correctional facility (our camp, not a real one). We loaded them up and took them to camp. When they arrived they were given a colored bandana that split them into groups. Yup, nobody was in a group with their closest friends and nope, you could not hang out with anyone but the people in your own group. Four people burst into tears immediately. The competition began for each group (basic group bonding stuff) and the winners got big treats while the loser got the fix meals and clean up after everyone. Sounds like a nightmare? Right?

We were very blessed. The whole weekend’s messages were based on relationships and by the end of it, the winners were volunteering to help the losers. The last night I invited everyone to take off their colors and mingle freely, but first I brought out a huge cross and read the scripture about reconciling with our brothers before going to the altar. So if they wanted to mingle freely, all they had to do was put their colors on the cross. But before they did that, they needed to reconcile with each other. God did a lot of work that night and I still hear about it from people. So there is my best solution to cliques. BTW, we some some very new cliques after a couple of months. They were still cliques, but much healthier than before. I could still threaten with a trip back to “true colors” camp if they got too out of line.

If a student wants to be a part of one of our ministries, they should be able to feel like they’re welcomed and loved without having to supply their own friends. What if you have a student who really doesn’t seem to fit in at a youth ministry, but doesn’t feel like he fits in anywhere else (and doesn’t feel like he has any real friends to invite to youth group)? It is a great testament to the gospel when students go against their culture and develop a close friendship with a student whom their peers do not accept.

Perhaps we could glean some principles from Paul’s letter to the Ephesians:
“For he is our peace; in his flesh he has made both groups [Jews and Gentiles] into one and has broken down the dividing wall, that is, the hostility between us.” (2:15)

Granted, cliques are not always as divisive as the first-century divide between Gentiles and Jews, but it is important to note that Jesus has broken down artificial dividing walls. Friendship groups can be good, but not when there is some sort artifical wall keeping students out of them.

I’d just like to point out that the reason many (including myself) cringe at the thought of cliques is because a clique, by definition, is exclusive (not just a group of friends). For me, friendship groups become more of a hinderance than a benefit when friendship groups won’t accept new people into their groups. However, the solution to this is not simply to mix groups (although this can help if done properly), but to constantly promote an atmosphere that values making new friends and welcoming all who come. In this setting, friendship groups are the most beneficial when it comes to evangelism and incorporating new students into the ministry, because hopefully a new student to the ministry will be “invited” to join a handful of groups and feel quite welcome and loved because of it.

I do agree that not all cliques are healthy and must be handled appropriately, as I mentioned in my post, but the majority of the ones I’ve seen aren’t this way.

Paul, I think you’re right about sometimes “forcing” students to make new friends. I sometimes do this gently when I intentionally randomize teams for games or work groups, but not usually when it comes to small group discussions.