Top 10 things you don’t want to hear from your youth pastor

Topic / Uncategorized

I have a 6-month premium subscription to to give away to whoever comes up with the funniest line for this list. I am the only judge, so even if no one else thinks it’s funny, that’s okay! Enter as many times as you’d like. The contest ends this Sunday, October 14, at 11:59 PM. I will contact the winner by email and will also congratulate the winner in a comment here just so everyone else knows. Have fun!

Posted on October 11, 2007

  • Pingback: looking out from my little place()

  • Len

    1. She looked 18.
    2. I’m just doing this until I can become a REAL Pastor.
    3. What’s your name?
    4. You’re mom looks hot!
    5. Jesus, Buddah, Krishna. Whichever one you want to believe in is fine.

  • sheri

    10. I can’t stand your parents either.
    9. It’s not important that you don’t believe in God.
    8. Of course you can hang out in the hallway and skip the service.
    7. We’ll shorten the youth season for Soccer.
    6. We only like our people here, please don’t bring a friend.
    5. Only come to me with your problems…not the lead Pastor.
    4. Holidays are for little kids…just come to events.
    3. MONEY is the only part that’s important in charity work.
    2. The youth lounge can be a private hang out without adult supervision…SURE!
    1. Membership includes EVERY event…don’t join if you’re planning on only coming to SOME things.

  • I’ve got the beer, girls, cigars, what else do we need for our man’s retreat?

  • Joe

    > Well, now that it’s been a year and a half…

    > Um…well, “Flaming Marshmallows of Death” sounded like a fun game at the time

    > I thought 15 passengers was just a starting point for the van

    > Um, Pastor, remember how you said we shouldn’t base jump off the balcony…?

    > How do you spell Resignation?

  • not to post hijack, but joe-

    you can't deny that things like this have actually happened before. if we can't laugh at ourselves and know that we as a community made mistakes, what does that make us? people who live in the past.

    (yes, i know i'll get flak for this. "but they were only kids!" "it was horrible!" etc. honestly, think about what you're saying. you're implying that one sin holds more gravity than another. the horrible things some of the clergy have done is equal in HaShem's eyes to lying to the homeless man on the street that you do not have any change. to debate otherwise is to debate scripture.)

    to me, taboo is something Man has created. we shouldn't be afraid to joke about sex, drugs, or violence- especially if they've already happened before. when we fear something, we give it power and i refuse to give Ba`al Zebûb that kind of power.

    and no, joking does not mean doing. that's where the humour lies- they are so unthinkable and so unimaginably horrible that our brain, trying to understand them, short circuits and doesn't know how to deal with them- so it just shrugs and goes "okay, funny it is!"

  • Personal Favorite:

    — Jesus Saves. Go Ahead and jump from the balcony… he'll catch you!

    – Jesus Who?

    – Jesus only saves good little boys and girls… so you better behave.

    – Anyone know how to drive this thing?

    – Well pastor…we started with 13… but we kept the best 12!

    – Anyone want to volunteer to hang on the cross for this demonstration? I've got real nails!

    Yes… this is only in fun. We wouldn't do most of these… but if you have been in the game at all…sometimes the mind slips and ya just want to go there!!!

  • Coming back from a out of country missions trip talking with a parent.

    “Say hello to you new son in law.”

  • Joe

    I was teaching on Ephesians 5 last night and got to the point about Paul telling us, as believers, to walk in light…and that its shameful to even mention what the disobedient do in darkness.

    I am all for talking openly about sex, dating, drugs, etc. – which i do – because the world talks about it with a distorted view, and we have the truth so we should proclaim boldly.

    We should discuss these things in light of truth, but making light of them (dropping joints, underage sex, et. al.) give permission – whether you think so or not. You're the example. You are Christ to the kids your ministering to…is what you're talking about, joking about, honoring to God? The sad fact that even though you think these things are SO out there – they're not.

    My advice : Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.

    Sorry, Tim, for taking this tangent. Im done now. :)

  • Lisa Collins

    "The Sr. Pastor said what!!!! Oh man."

  • – There is no “I” in team and there is no “I” in care either.

    – I figured the best way to teach them about sex as to let them experiment.

    – “Maury Povich called and….”

    – I thought I had a firm hold of his ankles as we dangled him off of the roof.”

    – To my Senior Pastor, “Apparently some of the kids found a Jack Daniels whiskey bottle half-full in the bathroom under the sink during the Sunday service.” [TRUE story by the way]

    – JESUS CHRIST! [very true personal funny story here]

    – If I only had that taser gun.

  • Lisa Collins

    Said @ the church bussiness meeting…

    Honestly, Ya’ll, I only lost them for a few minutes!

  • Tim

    This is an email submission from Neil Christians:

    1. So… is your mom/dad single
    2. How much is you bail?
    3. What is the legal age for marriage in this state?
    4. Define jailbate…

  • – So, uh, 15 will really get you 20?

    – Houston we have a problem.

    – I didn’t realize selling the kids from the nursery was a crime.

  • Alright everybody, let’s crunk!
    Of course there are great gospel filters to be found in porn. Watch all you want!
    Check out my OTHER MySpace profile (wink).
    Oops… my bad.
    Once we found the arm, it was easy to reattach it!
    This year’s mission trip… Vegas!
    Tonight’s movie night, we’ll be watching and discussing Showgirls.
    Halo 3 anyone? (just kiddin’)
    Blue Flame!

  • “well, if you would put TAGS on your kids, i’d be able to keep TRACK of them.”

    “don’t eat/drink/touch/step in that.”

    “of COURSE those are regular mushrooms! don’t touch them.”

    (i am so sorry for the next two.)

    “how old are you?”
    “18, you say….”

    “do you have a problem with masturbation? can i watch?”

    “hey kids, we’re going on an outreach…to the pub down the street! daddy needs his medicine, he’s jonesin’ here.”

    “you mean i don’t get to slay vampires? that’s the entire REASON i got into clergy in the first place!”

    “nuns are hot.”

    “your mom is hot…”

    “we’re out of money? it’s okay, i can teach you all how to pickpocket.”

    “i guess i’ll just have to sell one of you! just kidding. ….or am i?

    (to one of the kids) “here, take the wheel. i dropped my joint.”

    etc. etc.

  • also.

    “if you struggle, the knots will just get TIGHTER.”

    “careful, it’s loaded.”

    “careful, i’m loaded.”

    i better stop now or else i never will. haha

  • Joe

    I have to pause here > some of the things that are being posted (i assumed they were coming from people in ministry) are BAD. We are assuming a Youth Pastor is saying these things, and yes its suppose to be in jest, and they are things we wouldn’t want he/she to say…but come on!
    How many comments have i read above that imply sex with a minor? Or watching someone masturbate?? Druge use? I have be in full-time youth ministry for 12 years – and am by no means OLD…but i can’t help but hear in some of these comments Jesus saying to us – out of the overflow of the heart, the fingers type.
    I think we – as leaders of the next generation – should really think about what we are saying/doing in front of students that may be communicating (even if it’s said as a joke) a lower standard – saying its OK to do that stuff.
    Be the example.

  • 10. I do not know where that verses is in the Bible?

    9. That is what she said (office quote)

    8. Alcohol is okay because it was Jesus' first miracle–Wedding at Cana

    7. Streaking is Biblically warranted. Mark 14.52

    6. Is there any more communion wine left?

    5. Sarah, Lindsey, and Becky (all female students) you sure you do not want a ride home from me?

    4. This year's Spring Break mission trip is to Cancun, Mexico

    3. I do youth ministry because of the money

    2. Check out my cool tattoo.

    1. What would Jesus do? while the youth pastor is wearing the bracelet.

  • Tim

    Since I’m the one deciding what wins here, sex and drug stuff isn’t really that funny to me. It’s sad that these things have actually happened in youth groups and I’d rather not make light of it as something humorous. If you’re trying to win the prize, I recommend staying away from drug, sex and alcohol ideas.

  • – You never said not to use the baptistery for our hot-tub ministry.

  • Tim

    @ Joe and Brent S: Yeah, now let’s get back to the funny stuff. This is supposed to be something fun. :)

  • The kids were wondering if there were any commandments against crowd surfing from the altar during the contemporary service…

  • 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 … two are in the police car … that’s everyone. (related to a true story)
    There has to be some cleaner that will get the paintball stains off the sanctuary walls.
    I’m supposed to teach the Bible?

  • BTW – about the abovementioned police car story … it’s a good thing involving a blown tire and a friendly trooper. Thought I would clarify, though it loses some of the punch if you know it was all good …

  • 1. Lord Help Us!
    2. Hey just wanted to tell you a secret, “youre going to hell” (just for jokes! lol)
    3. Jebus!!!!!
    4. Now lets open the Koran to…
    5. Just to prove to you that im not Jesus. Hey you overthere, yes you. “your fat”
    See i told you i wasnt Jesus, if i was i wouldnt have judged from the outside.
    6. (Praying) Hey whatsup Lord, how youuuu doin!!

  • since Brent S. added a Family Guy quote, how about another one

    “Now we all know that Christmas is that magical time of year when the ghost of Jesus Christ rises from the dead to feed on the flesh of the living… so we sing Christmas carols to lull Him back to sleep.”

    (used it in a discussion of society’s views of Christ once)

  • Nilesh

    lol the family guy quote is funny

  • 7. Todays message is on the benefits of joining Quixtar? After service we will have an altar call for those who want to join.
    8. Sorry guys our guitarist is out on a date, so the church organ lady will fill in the spot for today.
    9. Hah, when they told my i was going to be a youth pastor, i thought it meant i was going to be the runner up to the main pastor. i didnt know it meant this!

  • Tim

    The results are in! I actually got input on all your suggestions from my wife and one of my youth workers at church and here’s what we came up with:

    Top 10 things you don’t want to hear from your youth pastor

    10. The kids were wondering if there were any commandments against crowd surfing from the alter during the contemporary service.

    9. This year’s Spring Break missions trip is to Cancun, Mexico.

    8. You never said not to use the baptistery for our hot-tub ministry.

    7. If you struggle, the knots will just get tighter.

    6. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, two are in the police car… that’s everyone!

    5. I thought I had a firm hold on his ankles as we dangled him off the roof.

    4. There has to be some cleaner that will get the paint-ball stains off the sanctuary walls.

    3. (Said to a girl’s parent after coming home from an overseas missions trip) “Say hello to your new son-in-law!”

    2. Umm, well, Flaming Marshmallows of Death sounded like a fun game at the time.

    1. I’m just doing this until I can become a REAL pastor.

    Congratulations, Len! Check your email for info on the 6-month premium subscription to

  • Len

    Thanks Tim and all the judges who I didn’t have to pay off. :-)

  • Pingback: You might be a youth worker if, redneck style | Life in Student Ministry()

  • Pingback:

  • Pingback: Catholic Youth Ministry Blog » March 2008()

  • Dan

    10. Guess who is this season's new Bachelor!?
    9. Now to illustrate watch this clip from "Saw 3"
    8. It's like "Snooki said to the Situation…"
    7. Yes, that is a nicorette patch
    6. Would like a little Bailey's with your coffee, pastor…?
    5. No, we are not having youth group tonight, the VMA's are on
    4. My wife will now demonstrate what we mean by "immodest"
    3. Our lesson for tonight is the story of a girl named "Tamar"
    2. Your son was not at youth group tonight, he joined a neighborhood Fight Club (true story)
    1. Our guest speaker for this year's retreat is some guy named "Tim Smoyer"

  • Pingback: YouTube - Top 10 things you never want to hear from your youth pastor()

  • Pingback: Top 10 things you never want to hear from your youth pastor [video] | Life in Student Ministry()

  • You are a very thought provoking author. This is a fabulous blog.

  • Pingback: Top 10 things you never want to hear from your youth pastor by Tim Schmoyer - - Christian Leadership Blogs, Articles, Videos, How To's, and Free Resources()

  • Pingback: Top 10 things you never want to hear from your youth pastor | The Loud Cry Christian Ministry()

New eBookGo
Focused Youth Ministry ebook

85% off!

Focused Youth Ministry

This practical "how to" ebook will walk you through a 30-step process to discovering God's vision for your unique ministry context. The process also shows you how to implement that vision and put metrics in place to evaluate what is moving the vision forward and what isn't.

Price: $12.95 Limited time: $1.99